March 3, 2005

By Dick Farenhorst

ANGER - THAT TROUBLESOME EMOTION

In spite of Paul's warning in Scripture to "be angry and yet don't sin", for many Christians, anger is like having sexual feelings - I guess it's okay in it's proper context, but it always still feels somewhat unholy.

Anger in and of itself, of course, cannot be wrong as God himself was angry. Anger against injustice is right and good. Human anger at the same time can also be an opening for Satan, for evil. It can lead to extreme aggression, hurt, pain or revenge. Some people will recognize this and will go to some lengths to suppress it. They may disguise their anger behind a smiling face. However, like the rubber ball in a pail of water, it will likely pop up in other areas, for instance as headaches or indirect forms of aggression. At the same time, it's not always easy to express anger in a way to let others know that we are hurting and doesn't destroy them. If we lack these skills, we will gloss over these feelings in an attempt to maintain the peace. Countless couples presenting for counselling, have at the point of divorce, when asked what they fight about, will mention that they never fight. They will have peace, but no intimacy and no relationship. All couples have issues but one ground breaking, long term study assessing differences between couples that stayed together in good marriages and those that later on divorced or separated, found that in good marriages when there was a fight, if it wasn't going well someone would do something to de-escalate or diffuse things, such as a goofy smile or asking for a time out.
Some people who are angry inside are not overtly hostile or aggressive. They say everything is fine and quietly go about their business. In fact, probably 90% of those who are angry, never act out in any obvious way. They constrain their behavior, not the feeling or emotion. As a first step, we need to acknowledge our own anger, to not be in denial about it or rationalize or minimize it. To be open to how others see us and so then to be open to letting God work with and in us.

The next step is to know if one needs to simply manage the anger or try to find a deeper peace or perhaps need to manage it now as well as find a deeper peace (which may take longer). Finding that deeper peace may initially mean knowing what the anger is really reflective of. For example, is it really a secondary emotion (ask yourself what would you feel if you weren't feeling angry) or perhaps it is a power and control issue. Is it symptomatic of many other feelings that are happening in my life that I'm really not in touch with? For example, is it reflective of some of my general anxiousness or frustrations with things or with people.

Finally, besides our own anger, there is also the problem of how to respond or deal with others (dear ones, strangers, friends) who direct anger at us. How can one respond in a way that doesn't react in kind with anger or aggression and yet is respectful of self i.e. "a soft but firm answer that turns away wrath."

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