Newsletter article
Fall 2005

By Dick Farenhorst

FAMILY TENSIONS AT CHRISTMAS

The old saying that when one marries, one marries not only a spouse but also their family, together with it's traditions and customs is never more true then at Christmas. We grow up with ideas of how to celebrate Christmas that are often unspoken but these very real expectations are firmly held and based on our family of origin experiences. Even if we are married to a spouse that is from a similar background as we are, for instance a Christian family, it doesn't mean the customs will be identical to our own. To make it work in our new family, it all starts with a shared vision. Christmas is, ideally, an opportunity to create time for individual family members, to express in personal, unique ways, in the context of caring togetherness, a communal de-emphasis on consumption of things and on the celebration of Christ. When spouses have this shared vision of Christmas, they can reduce some of the conflict that occurs when people have totally different understandings of how Christmas is to be celebrated.
Therapists know that families that are rigidly structured ("we always have supper at 5 o'clock, not 5:15") by family rules or customs have more difficulty and stress than families that are flexibly structured. (Families that are rigidly structured can't accommodate any change; families that are the polar opposite, chaotic, provide little predictability or security for children). However, families that are flexibly structured can have stability, but can also accommodate new people or change. When a new son or daughter-in-law arrive on the scene this has the potential for enriching or making things difficult. But when there is flexibility to allow for new ideas, or some interesting ways of celebrating Christmas that hadn't been thought about before, extended family time can be joy-filled.
Parents of both spouses can be a wonderful blessing to their children and sons-in-law and daughters-in-law by giving them the freedom to create new family traditions and to support their children when they do so. Christmas rituals can be a stimulus for wonderful family memories and traditions, but they can also be joy sapping if they are seen as a duty and a rule.
Customs and practices that celebrate Christ while being together as people, versus seeing people in roles, will be important. For example, not seeing grandparents as old fashioned or Sally as a burden or John as a saint, creates an openness for people to be a surprise.
It may also help us to modify our expectations that we have about Christmas or about people. For example the expectation, "no one has everything that is enjoyable; or, not all of the time at Christmas needs to be wonderful", can make things a lot easier for us.
Experienced therapists always make it a point to check with clients in December regarding their Christmas plans. They know it can be a very difficult time for many people, especially those that are depressed or socially isolated. Sometimes a single person may be in a church situation where they have recently come to know Christ and come from a family where Christmas is not celebrated in a uniquely Christian way and so they long for something else. Ideally it's good if the church community can exist as a surrogate family, but although this is an option, in practice most Christian families have extended family gatherings that don't include "outsiders".
Finally, Christmas gatherings often can result in arguments and if one knows ahead of time what will be hot topics or difficult issues it may be helpful to agree beforehand on some boundaries. Boundaries, in brief, are simply all about what's in and what's out. If certain issues or topics can be agreed to beforehand as being out of bounds, this may help avoid situations where one knows in advance there will not be agreement and likely be conflict.

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