"Grace In and For Blended Families" - Dick Farenhorst

Whether through divorce or death, blended families have in common that they are put together by parts of previously existing families, but often will pretend like the previous family members didn't exist. There is room that needs to be made for all the family members and that often takes grace and God's Holy Spirit to give it to us. In a divorce situation, there is grace needed, but probably forgiveness needed first, on the part of the separating parents, to each other for their past hurts, so that they can still cooperate as parents, albeit, in different households raising their children. Rarely have I seen feelings more passionately aroused than ex-spouses feelings about one another, and this often makes cooperative parenting so difficult. And yet the ability to cooperate as parents, regardless of how they still feel about the other, is the biggest factor that determines how well children do in post divorce situations.

I remember one situation where the separated parent still had hopes for reconciliation and would ask his child to promise to tell him what was going on with his mom and the new guy in her life. Allowing children to not have to be messengers or spies and asking God's help to leave your ex-spouse with Him, takes grace.

In the blended family, there needs to be an understanding that there will be misunderstandings on all of the parties, as potentially we have four parents parenting now. Sometimes periodic meetings among the adults are helpful if they can be managed.

Although it's never said explicitly, the new father or mother will be compared to the one before them and the new parent will need grace to handle comments on the part of children, such as, "she'll never be better than my dad". If the children act out, and the new husband wants to exercise his role of "a man's firm touch"; doing this prematurely before a bond, and loving relationship, is in place creates difficulty and likely rebellion on the part of the child.

Finally, grace on the part of the Christian community is needed so that they can enfold these families rather than tending to isolate them. Being ignored, or other subtle forms of rejection, result in children feeling shame, like there's something defective about them. If the church really wants to be an outreach to the community where blended families are encountered more often than not, it must reflect Christ's acceptance and love.

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