From Denial to Restoration - Dick Farehorst

When folks who struggle with addiction issues are in denial, they are defensive about their drinking and the denial will take the form of what AA members recognize as "stinking thinking" - a denial of an external reality seen by others and by God. The person with the alcoholic problem will engage in a form of denial called rationalization. He or she will then have many reasons for why their drinking is happening, none of which, allow for them to look at themselves.

Denial of course, isn't limited to addicts, but is common to all of us. It comes in different colours and forms and this chameleon like phenomenon may come across as minimization ("it wasn't really that bad"), regarding past hurts that were committed. In relationships, a defensive stance called stonewalling (usually by husbands) - the unwillingness to talk about an issue or to even say one word no matter what the other says - is highly predictive of divorce.

When people in counselling are rigidly defended, every counsellor knows it's going to be tough slogging. For some people denial feels like a life or death issue, it's a belief of self that they've had for so long, that to change it now, may mean a change in my very identity, in who I am.

Sometimes denial may surround impending death. A loved one is dying and either they or their family may feel overwhelmed and will be in denial. To face death takes huge courage. However, when death is impending and family members can acknowledge and face this, then a kind of sharing happens, which allows for things to be said, and reassurances to be made, that otherwise would never be possible.

To protect ourselves from anxiety or shame, all of us from time to time engage in denial. And yet denial more than any other psychological defense is the biggest obstacle most of us face in having restoration within ourselves or in our relationships or with God. God's spirit can only work within us to bring us closer to Him when we are ready to grow in this relationship, when we are ready to remove or work on personal barriers or sin. Denial makes that impossible.

To let go of denial means to have courage to face oneself, naked, in our weaknesses and our shame. Only then can grace flow. Courage can be had only when grounded in the assurance of love - by parents, spouses, children, by God. Or as therapists like to say, to let go of denial, it helps to have a "safe place". For example, for the drug addict, he needs to know that the person who is now out of control, is not a bad person but is loved. . For husbands/fathers who stonewall, to know that by admitting mistakes or facing issues they are not diminished but even more loved and respected. Then grace flows and restoration begins.

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