| HEALING FROM BREAK-UPS When there is a break-up of a marriage invariably there is a great deal of pain - it has to be, as a covenant has been broken. When healing happens, it is a differential experience for men and for woman, for those leaving, and those being left behind. Those that are Christians (and even if not), will be dealing with the issue of guilt. Those that are being left, deal with issues of not being lovable and feeling abandoned and rejected. For men, the healing process occurs over time and often through simple hearing of other separated men, what they're going through and what they're experiencing, For the first time they may be aware of feelings that they have never been aware of before or never felt in a long time, or been willing to talk about. Woman are often helped immensely by journaling, and by sharing some of those feelings with other friends. It's difficult to describe the course of healing in absolute terms, as invariably it's different for different people, based on a number of factors. For example, people who have had more difficult and troubled relationships in their family of origin may have a greater fear of intimacy after a marital breakup and have more difficulty starting to learn how to trust once again. Invariably, people being left in relationships have issues of trust, but those that have been hurt in other significant relationships before, will have a greater hurdle to overcome. At the same time while it is always an individual process, there are common elements and necessary steps for all, if healing is to happen. For example, the issue of forgiveness is something that needs to be addressed by all. Generally, Christians will find that forgiveness from God is easier to accept than forgiveness of self, and yet both are necessary as is forgiveness of spouse. Unless a person is really allowing himself to feel the emotion and anger, the sadness, the abandonment, if one cuts off these feelings, the ability to later be open to other relationships may be very difficult. The grieving needs to happen so that growth and healing can happen - like the grieving at a funeral. Conversely, emotional shutting off, while understandable, will block full expression in later love relationships. The importance of praying for God's help, in learning how to love again, how to trust again, the longing to be reassured that the abandonment won't happen again, is intimately related to the ability to let go, and overcome a fear of intimacy. There are many other aspects of this recovery process that are important to consider if there is to be healing and the healing is to happen sooner rather than later such as doing an autopsy on the relationship; reactions of in-laws, future dating experiences ("I feel like a teenager again"), how long the process will take, the importance of professional counseling and of a support group. The main point here is that while it all feels like a blur, like a mass of pain, the reassurance of healing is real, as is God's grace. By dealing with each of the areas of this new landscape, healing will happen. There will be others who will not take healing steps and will not grow
through this experience, but forever walk with an emotional limp or find
themselves either to afraid of relationships or deep intimacy, or else
find similar patterns reoccurring in future relationships.
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