Letting Go of Grudges
By Dick Farenhorst

We are created with an innate sense of fairness, as moral beings who react with anger or hurt to injustice. And this is how it should be. It takes only a moment to contemplate the opposite where we no longer are upset with evil or injustice to know that evil would rampant and anarchy would reign. When the injustices happen to us personally we hurt, we get angry, we hold grudges. Sometimes the grudge may be after what has been a real offense, and sometimes it may be the result of a slight that someone has given, or said, that we perceived to be there but there was no intent to hurt on the others part. Sometimes the grudges can go on for generations such as Appalachian family feuds, where each offense increases the desire for revenge and each new twist escalates the retribution so that eventually murders are committed. Yet personally, we too relish a silent fantasy complete with vivid imagery of how we can even the score with the offender.

Letting go of grudges becomes more difficult if the injustice continues to reoccur. That combined with a sense of things not being in my control i.e. helplessness, makes it very difficult to let go. Letting go of grudges is hard, society encourages us not to ("Don't get mad, get even").

Some people will react to the hurt by simply withdrawing in a general way from people including friends or from the offender to punish him or to avoid from being treated unfairly again, but the fact is that God has created us as social beings and we really don't do very well when we isolate ourselves socially.

A response that is one of assertiveness can be helpful in dealing with the offense i.e. avoiding both the extreme of aggressiveness where one looks to fight back or being a doormat and allowing passivity to set one up for a continual hurt. Secondly, keeping things in perspective i.e. "it really is all relative and in the grand scheme of things of the hurt and pain in this world how big really is this slight that I'm holding this grudge for." Thirdly, having a sense of acceptance that I too am forgiven and in turn asking God to fill me with the spirit of forgiveness. I need grace to give to others and I need to receive grace from others. Fourthly, catching my self-talk and altering it if need be i.e. "I'm not going to let him get away with this," to one in which I really can focus on other things and reduce my thinking time about this incident.

Letting go of grudges isn't easy but it's necessary as it opens us up to greater harm. Life can be less stressful if one has the ability to let go of stuff and maybe none more importantly than grudges.