| Managing our Anger A researcher (Seligman) once followed the lives of 400 children whose parents would fight destructively and those whose parents ended up separating or divorcing. Children of fighting families looked the same as children of divorcing families that is, they were more depressed and both groups were more depressed than children from intact families whose parents were not fighting destructively. In marriages, another researcher (Gottman), found that while all couples had issues or conflict, one characteristic that distinguished intact couples from those who ended up separating, was that they would do something to deescalate the fight if it got too bad, i.e. someone would suggest "let's talk about it at supper tomorrow" or crack a goofy smile. Also after a fight someone would initiate some "repair attempt", i.e. ask for forgiveness. Couples that ended up separating would do neither. Anger needs to be distinguished from hostility and aggression. Hostility is an attitude of ill will or hatred towards another person. Aggression in turn refers to behaviour that's meant to hurt, while anger is an emotion. The first step to managing our anger is to get to know ourselves, to know our anger style and to know our triggers. Some people are anger suppressors, i.e. they turn their anger inward. One example of this could be someone that suffers from bruxism (severe grinding of their teeth), who may be suppressing a lot of anger. Other people are anger escalators,. They experience a slight and will escalate their anger through their "self talk". Scripture as we know gives us full permission to experience anger and indeed probably requires it of us when such things as injustice or God's name are at stake. However, in other situations, God, allowing for the presence of anger, warns against it's perniciousness if allowed to fester indefinitely. Another common situation where someone may get angry is when we feel we are being taken advantage of. A typical response will be either to allow oneself to be taken advantage to avoid having an angry situation develop but in the process feel hurt, demoralized, or angry but suppress it or else become very aggressive and fight back. Another response, one of quiet but very firm assertiveness, is often a healthier way of responding in those situations where one doesn't allow oneself to be taken advantage of, nor attack or take advantage of someone else. Getting to know ourselves in anger means also becoming aware of our comfort level with respect to anger. This in turn is often related to our family of origin experiences at home. The presence of toxic anger at home likely meant destructive or hurtful things were said or a family atmosphere's being destroyed. A desire to avoid conflict or anger at all costs is often the result. Managing anger in a healthy Christian way also means looking at such
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