| FOR THOSE OVER 65 - AND THEIR KIDS My Dad had lung cancer. I thought I'd wait until Dad was near the end of his life and then I'd go and spend a lot of time with him and talk about stuff. One of the biggest regrets of my life was waiting too long. Yes, I was able to tell him of my love for him and to say good bye in moments of lucidity when he wasn't hallucinating from the drugs and enough "with it" for me to make contact with him, But I never got to talking about all I wanted to. Looming death has potential for aging families, but it tints all family interactions and for most of us we're uneasy and unwilling to face death. And as a result many of our older people are unprepared to die, even if they are spiritually. Approaching death offers us opportunities. There is important intergenerational work to be done. Who of us hasn't been moved and reassured when reading of old testament patriarchs calling their children to their bedside and passing on the intergenerational faith baton by blessing each one in the name of the Lord. I've been greatly moved hearing stories from my clients of how dying parents have gathered all the children together and how the parent would say something personally to each child, sometimes while all were together, sometimes privately. Impending death also offers new opportunities to address unresolved issues. Past issues that were buried for years can be exorcised with some courage, prayer and forgiveness asked for and given. Conversely, I've seen first hand how the emotional pain from an unresolved past, can be unmanageable with the knowledge that the issue will never be worked out or else forces the surviving adult child to cope by just denying the issue or minimizing it or trying to forget. Impending death can be a source of dread or release for all. Doing a life review or a biography of our parent with them, such as reviewing memorabilia, photographs - celebrating blessings and retelling disappointments, in short, a review of critical life events give meaning and value to the family journey and can be so rewarding. It also is an entree' to some unresolved relationship business. Adult children of aging parents also face many practical difficulties. Women for the first time in history will spend on average more years with parents over 65 than children under 18. Caregivers of the future will be the "young old" those over 60. Adult children pick up the slack and this can be especially stressful if the parent wants to maintain an independent living situation and yet is physically incapable of doing so. There is often guilt that ensures if the adult child can no longer manage the situation and looks for a facility to place their parent. Yes, old age can be overwhelming for the adult children as well for the parent. Nevertheless, old age, the coming to the end of a relationship can paradoxical even now create tremendous closeness and intimacy. Asking the questions like,:What is it like for you now, Mom, as you approach death?" "Are there any fears for you now when you think of death?" "Are there any fears for you now when you think of death, Dad?" Let me tell you, Dad, what I'll always remember you for." Our questions and statements then bind us closer together and in turn allow us to release each other to our God. HELPFUL HINTS-Arlene Van Hove Concern for our aging, ill or incapacitated parents can bring the best or worst out of siblings and other extended family members. It can draw us closer together or further apart. It can be a time or emotional and spiritual growth or a time of on going conflicual relationships that short circuits the mutual support so desperately needed at this time in our lives. How well we chose to walk this path has to do with the following:
If you are struggling in this area Cascade would like to help. Please do not hesitate to call us for a (free 30 minute) consultation.
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