One of the consistent sad themes that surfaces in my counseling sessions at Cascade is the dark dynamic of inner negativity and self-criticism. It is as though many of us have been trained in excelling at punishing ourselves and belittling ourselves with unkind words and feelings, as if harshness and yelling at oneself would help create positive change. At times I have likened this to a coach who tries to motivate better performances from his/her athletes by yelling at them and berating them for their mistakes, a tactic that generates lots of heat and energy but rarely produces any meaningful fruit. Often this behavior leads to deep scars and deep shame. It also seems that the journey of faith that many of my clients are on often does not touch or alleviate this cruel self-contempt tendency, even though one of the main characteristics of their God is compassion.
In light of this I have been encouraged by the significant research done in the psychological community over the last fifteen years on the value and place of self-compassion. I have found that learning about self-compassion and practicing it in my own life has been a gracious gift in moving me away from my own penchant toward inner criticism. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer (leaders in this field) have defined self-compassion as comprised of the following three components: mindfulness instead of over identification; common humanity instead of isolation; and self-kindness instead of self- judgment. To read up on a fuller definition of self-compassion go to https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/ . I love how each of these parts of self-compassion connects directly to the automatic freeze, flee, fight reactions we have when we are triggered by fear and suffering, and gives us a calmer way to respond. I also love how being given permission to practice self-compassion helps to realign and reacquaint ourselves with the God of all compassion who is ready to welcome us and accept us instead of yelling at us and judging us. One of the best definitions of self-compassion is simply being the kind of friend to yourself that you are to others.
Brent Unrau, M.A., RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA