Christian Counselling Resources
Helpful Articles
It Is a Very Sweet Thing to Unburden Your Heart – Counselling the Depressed
Humans are wonderfully made, and created to engage with each other in community. To be connected is the most fundamental and essential ingredient for mental health, strong relationships and productive lives. Currently, as the waves of confusion, fright, hate, hurt, and loneliness rise, the raw and painful reality of disconnectedness becomes ever clearer. “ALL the lonely people – where DO they all come from?”, the Beatles asked in 1966. That might be a good question indeed, since it prompts a follow up question: How do we respond when a friend, spouse, child, a colleague, or an acquaintance is sad, moody or ‘out of touch’? Do we connect with purpose, or do we avoid it, thinking ‘… it will pass, he’s just in a funk, just give him some time, and he’ll snap out of it… again…’
Consider developing the habit of intentionally checking in. In some cases it can make the difference between life and death, and it can begin with a sincere question out of genuine concern. “Say, have you been feeling down or blue lately? You seem to be out of sorts….” If the answer is yes, ask her to describe what she means by that. “How long have you been feeling this way?… When did you first notice the change?… Have you ever experienced this before?… If so, what did you do to get better?”
SIG E CAPS is a useful abbreviation to use to assess for either low mood or depression. It stands for Sleep, Interest, Guilt, Energy, Concentration, Appetite, Psychomotor, and Suicidal ideation. Counsellors use it as a screening tool, and it also offers prompts for everyone to explore what might be troubling him or her. Any one these conditions, when compromised, can contribute to low and changed mood.
The S of suicidal ideation requires extra attention and, possibly, intervention… ‘You say you are doing fine, but how are you doing, really?’ opens up conversation and displays a posture of genuine care and concern. Consider having this standard, scripted question at the ready: ‘Have you thought about hurting yourself?’ Matthew Sleeth observes: “At some level, every person knows that committing suicide is wrong. I think that most want to be asked whether they are thinking about it. They want to share the burden. Most want to be stopped.”[2]
Indeed! Charles Spurgeon, the Prince of Preachers, was stopped. He won the battle with chronic depression. By pushing back against loneliness he remained connected with compassionate, caring individuals. He led a very productive life that included many ‘dark nights’ of the soul. So did Mother Theresa, despite decades of deep, chronic depression. And might I mention Martin Luther, John Calvin, Handel, Charles Dickens, Florence Nightingale , Abraham Lincoln, King David and Prophet Elijah?
When you or someone you know encounter episodes of low mood, long periods of sadness or depression that just won’t leave, please don’t hesitate to connect with us at Cascade Christian Counselling.
[1] https://www.spurgeon.org/resource-library/sermons/elijah-fainting/#flipbook/. Retrieved 03.10.23.
[2] Sleeth., M. Hope Always. How to be a force for life in a culture of suicide. Tyndale, Carol Stream, Ill. P. 123. (Italics are mine, HS)
BE THE HERO!
In my work as a Couple’s Counsellor, I hear many legitimate hurts and concerns brought up by partners in marriage. I consider it a privilege to be able to help couples hear one another and gain new understanding into what their partner is saying.
However, I also hear many arguments that don’t really need to be arguments. Even worse, sometimes I witness an argument where not only does this argument not need to happen, but the most tragic thing is that one partner is missing the opportunity to BE THE HERO to another partner. This applies to both partners, but men, I’m going to write to you because this is a simple perspective shift that will make your wives feel valued and lifted up.
One woman shared that she asked her husband to kill a spider. He responded by telling her to do it herself. After all, wasn’t she capable of it herself, wasn’t she a strong and independent woman? Not only are these words hurtful and accusatory, but the husband missed an opportunity to BE THE HERO. Why not simply, BE THE HERO? Why not get up off the couch, kill the spider, and be her hero? Instead of feeling disrespected, she would feel taken care of and protected.
Another woman shared about a recent trip her family took. As they were there, there was a tsunami warning. The woman wanted to drive to the tsunami shelter so they knew where it was in case they heard sirens and were supposed to evacuate. Her husband told her she was overreacting and they were fine where they were. He was right. There was no tsunami and these extra precautions were not needed. How much easier would it have been to BE THE HERO? Take the short drive, BE THE HERO, and enjoy the rest of the vacation feeling connected and supported.
Recently a man shared this story with me. Tuesday night was his normal night to get to go to the gym. But when he got home, he heard his wife say it had been a hard day at work and with the kids. This man had every right to go to the gym, as was their agreement. Instead, this husband said he would take the bedtime routine with the children for the second night in a row, drew his wife a bath, lit candles, and told her to take some time for herself. He decided to BE THE HERO!
Mike Ayers
Not If But When You Are Afraid
Fostering courage and resilience during the pandemic.
We recognize that fear is everywhere. The invisible corona virus heightens fears of disease, infection, dying, losing touch of financial losses or ruin. Scriptures back up this reality check that to be afraid is not a matter of if, but of when: more than three hundred versions of “do not be afraid” appear in Scriptures. These aim to replace fear with focus on the fact that God is with us, right in the middle of this scary pandemic. Grace based Counselling helps push through this reality check and offers strategies to ‘not be afraid’ to the point that it paralyzes or overcomes us.
Talk to God! When we draw near to God, He will draw near to us, forever. Jesus directed us to share all our anxieties with him and offered His peace of mind in exchange. The apostle Paul, a seasoned expert in trauma survival and recovery, encouraged us to pray 24/7.[James 4:8, 2 Cor. 11: 23-27, 1 Thess. 5:17.]
Increase Other-Talk. When anxious, sleep deprived and not functioning well, consider the option of counselling services via digital means. Thankfully there are many safe, confidential platforms available that offer quality counselling opportunities, and countless people benefit from the gift of technology. Be encouraged to connect with us at Cascade Christian Counselling with any questions or concerns regarding this.
Talk Back to your tears. Grieving well includes allowing and creating plenty of space for tears. Grieving well is the hard work of refusing to be overcome by self-pity. Talking back to your tears is fuelled by courage and commitment to overcome difficult situations. It is realizing that, in the word of Bruce Cockburn, …. nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight/got to kick at the darkness ’til it bleeds daylight.[Bruce Cockburn – Lovers in a dangerous Time.–Stealing Fire, 1984.]
Reduce self-talk when anxious, depressed or isolated. Self-talk may lead to automatic thought patterns that, unawares, may lead us to view reality in an unbalanced way. When we ruminate, we tend to filter out the positives and dwell on the negatives of any given situation. Self-talk may also cause us to catastrophize by anticipating that the very worst possible scenario will likely come about. Fortunately, even bad situations do not rob us of our capacity to choose. It is up to us whether we allow our anxiety to control us or us take control of our anxiety. We can press the ‘pause button’ of our thoughts and realize that we do not need to believe every anxious thought we think, and fear driven emotion we feel at ‘face’ value.
Talk to your soul. Soul-talk is modelled in Scripture, (Ps. 42/3, 103, 146). It is quite like instructing your soul to sit up and listen. It is preaching the Gospel to your own soul: “The same sovereignty that could stop the coronavirus, yet doesn’t, is the very sovereignty that sustains the soul in it.”[John Piper, Coronavirus and Christ. Copyright© 2020, Desiring God Foundation, Crossway 1300 Crescent Street Wheaton,llinois 60187 p.24]
Heres Snjider, B. Ed., MA, RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA
Understanding your stress during the Covid-19 Pandemic
You may have found yourself using the word “stressed” a lot, as you take on the role of a homeschool teacher, wait in an hour-long lineup, or consider your finances. According to the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University, stress can be organized into three categories: positive, tolerable, and toxic (CDC, 2000). These categories are not about the stressful event itself, but rather the support that is received and the effect the stress has on our bodies. For children, support comes through positive adult relationships; for adults, support can generalize to those closest to you who are similar in age.
Positive Stress refers to brief and necessary challenges a person faces as they grow, such as learning to tie shoelaces, or giving a presentation in class. This kind of stress allows us to grow and learn new skills. We are supposed to experience positive stress for healthy development.
Tolerable Stress refers to unavoidable tragedies that are a part of life, such as a loved one dying or a natural disaster. In these cases, if the experience is time-limited and the person has supportive, caring relationships to help navigate the stress, the brain and body recover and continue to function well.
Toxic Stress refers to severe and prolonged exposure to abuse or neglect, often in the case of a caregiver to a child. These situations can lead to long-lasting effects in all areas of wellness. (Toxic Stress retrieved from Center on the Developing Child 2000)
The effects of COVID-19 fall within the category of Tolerable Stress. We can recover well from this stress with adequate time and support. Since the pandemic is a worldwide experience, we also have a unique opportunity to connect with our community. When we feel that our experiences are shared, our stress is lowered and our anxiety decreases. While we can be hopeful that we will recover from this tolerable stress, we must still recognize it for what it is: stress. The change we have experienced brings with it a significant amount of grief and loss. Remember to be kind to yourself and others. At regular points in the day, take a deep breath in and a long breath out. Continue doing this, bringing to mind others who are going through a similar situation. Focus on those individuals that you have, or could have, contact with. Set yourself small goals of connection, and be patient as you go throughout your day.
Leanne VanderMeer CCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA
The Gift of Self Compassion
One of the consistent sad themes that surfaces in my counseling sessions at Cascade is the dark dynamic of inner negativity and self-criticism. It is as though many of us have been trained in excelling at punishing ourselves and belittling ourselves with unkind words and feelings, as if harshness and yelling at oneself would help create positive change. At times I have likened this to a coach who tries to motivate better performances from his/her athletes by yelling at them and berating them for their mistakes, a tactic that generates lots of heat and energy but rarely produces any meaningful fruit. Often this behavior leads to deep scars and deep shame. It also seems that the journey of faith that many of my clients are on often does not touch or alleviate this cruel self-contempt tendency, even though one of the main characteristics of their God is compassion.
In light of this I have been encouraged by the significant research done in the psychological community over the last fifteen years on the value and place of self-compassion. I have found that learning about self-compassion and practicing it in my own life has been a gracious gift in moving me away from my own penchant toward inner criticism. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer (leaders in this field) have defined self-compassion as comprised of the following three components: mindfulness instead of over identification; common humanity instead of isolation; and self-kindness instead of self- judgment. To read up on a fuller definition of self-compassion go to https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/ . I love how each of these parts of self-compassion connects directly to the automatic freeze, flee, fight reactions we have when we are triggered by fear and suffering, and gives us a calmer way to respond. I also love how being given permission to practice self-compassion helps to realign and reacquaint ourselves with the God of all compassion who is ready to welcome us and accept us instead of yelling at us and judging us. One of the best definitions of self-compassion is simply being the kind of friend to yourself that you are to others.
Brent Unrau, M.A., RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA
All Stressed Out
“I’m so stressed.” “I’m under so much stress.” “You stress me out.”
Stress is a part of our daily lives. We have stressors, things that cause a stress reaction, and we have a stress response, a physical, psychological and emotional reaction to the stressor.
Our bodies are created to react to stressors in ways meant to protect us from threats to safety. For example, imagine that you are crossing a road and see a car hurtling towards you. Almost even before you are aware of it, your brain sets into motion a chain of reactions meant to keep you safe: the fight-or-flight response. This system is largely automatic.
When you encounter a threat, your hypothalamus, a tiny region at the base of your brain, sets off an alarm system in your body. Through a combination of nerve and hormonal signals, this system prompts your adrenal glands, located on top of your kidneys, to release a surge of hormones including adrenalin and cortisol.
These hormones are what cause you to feel a stress response in your body. Adrenalin increases your heart rate and elevates your blood pressure; cortisol suppresses functions that are nonessential in a dangerous situation, such as your immune system. Once a perceived threat has passed, hormone levels gradually return to normal, and everything goes back to regular functioning.
However, we run into problems when stressors are always present, even in low-level forms. Most people lead busy lives and face multiple demands each day. As a result, our brains can start to have difficulty telling the difference between major dangers and minor hassles. Eventually, the stress response stays ‘turned on,’ and stress hormones levels stay elevated.
Imagine driving your car with your foot always pressing the accelerator as hard as possible. Most cars will soon develop all sorts of wear and tear before breaking down completely. Our bodies react similarly to constant stress. When stress hormones remain elevated in our blood, our body processes become disrupted, which puts us at risk of numerous health problems.
This is why it’s so important to learn healthy ways to cope with the stressors in your life. While we cannot eliminate all sources of stress, we can become better at managing both the stressors and our response to them.
Minimize stressors. Most people find that they don’t always have new, unexpected stressors from day to day. Often, they have many of the same daily, predictable stressors (e.g. a morning commute). Try to think of a few solutions for this type of stressor, or how you might change the circumstances so that it’s not as stressful. For example, if a long commute is causing a lot of stress, can you work different hours? Can you get your things ready the night before?
Cope with stressors. Even if we get better at decreasing stress, we are still going to face stressful situations. For example, you might leave for work early, but then you get a flat tire. When this happens, it’s still stressful, and you need to cope with the stress. Try to problem-solve in the situation. Can you call someone to let them know you’ll be late? Ask for help? This does not take away the stressor, but it may help you to feel a little more in control.
Relaxation/Rest. Relaxation is the exact opposite of tension. By doing things to encourage your body to return to its natural, non-stressed state, you can lessen the physical impact of stress. Relaxed/deep breathing or imaging a peaceful scene can slow down the stress response. Try to take time to rest, and to get enough sleep. Consider taking a few things off of your schedule and taking a break from electronics, if even just for a few hours.
Healthy forms of distraction can also help. Ideas include listening to music, talking with friends, or doing a favorite hobby. One of the best stress relievers is physical exercise, which helps to decrease the concentration of stress hormones in your body.
Prayer and meditation on God’s word are also an important part of calming the storms of life. Regularly taking our cares and concerns to God, and making time and space in our lives to spend in God’s word can help to shift our focus and to reorient our priorities. It also helps to remind us that we have a Father who both cares for us and holds the entire world in His hands.
Jacoba Leyenhorst, M.A., RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA
Anger – It Only Takes A Spark To Get The Fire Going
Anger is an important matter. Road rage, conflict in the home, broken relationships, divorce, injustice and abuse are the results of anger. We all, in one way or another, will wrestle with anger.
Anger In The Body – Physical reactions to anger can include muscle tension in the lower back and neck, racing heart rate, shaking, cold hands, red face, headaches, stomach upset, fatigue, crying, raised voice, lashing out verbally. Anger that is turned inward and repressed may lead to anxiety and a greater risk of heart problems, and other physical diseases. (Maté, G.,When the Body Says No, 2004).
Anger In The Mind – Anger may be the cause for some people to feel victimized, discounted, dismissed or ignored. A persistent sense of helplessness drives many to seek justice or revenge in a destructive way.
Anger In Families – In families where expression of anger was not allowed, ignored or processed in an unhealthy manner, children learn to express anger through whining, pouting or being clingy. If these anger patterns are not resolved, they are typically replayed in adult life in hurtful ways.
“I Am Not Angry – I Am Spiritually P.O.ed” – What is at the root of our irritation, displeasure or irritability? What triggers my annoyance, ill temper and your sarcastic humor or frustration? What is it that I want and do not get? Why I am I ticked off when I get what I do not want?
Anger is not always recognized for what it is and consequently, responses to anger triggers are often not helpful but hurtful.
Anger Defined
“Our anger is our whole-personed active response of negative moral judgment against perceived evil.” (Jones, Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help for a Common Problem, 2005).
This definition encompasses 5 key ideas:
- Active response: Anger is an action, something we do, not something we have. The Bible is full of stories of people who do anger, not who own or harbor anger.
- Whole-personed: Scripture depicts the reality of anger as involving our entire being and engaging our whole person.
- Response against: It does not arise in a vacuum or appear spontaneously. Its causal core lies in our active hearts that responds to people and events in daily life.
- Negative moral judgment: Our anger postures us against what we determine to be unacceptable. It casts negative mental votes against unjust actions. Jesus taught that anger is the moral equivalent of murder.
- Perceived evil: our moral judgment arises from our personal perspectives. In anger we perceive some action, object, situation, or person to be evil or unjust.
When In Anger – Do Not Sin: Taking Angry Thoughts Captive
Grace Based Counselling is effective for identifying anger triggers, taking ownership of ineffective responses to dealing with old anger patterns, replacing distorted thinking and irrational core beliefs with new ways of thinking that are God-honoring, neighbor loving and contributing to healthy minds, marriages, and communities.
Heres Snjider, B. Ed., MA, RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA
Immanuel Presence and Therapeutic Healing
The crushing sense of being alone in the world, isolated and abandoned is a perceived reality I hear all too often as a counselor. Time and time again, clients tell me that I am the first person to hear what they are carrying or going through, that it is not safe to tell others for fear of being shamed, rejected, judged or fixed with quick solutions.
As I listen and enter into the details I have this strong sense that they feel orphaned, completely alone. I came across a phrase recently that seemed to capture this reality, that the new cancer is loneliness. Loneliness leaves you with this unnamed sadness of not feeling felt, heard or understood. In the emptiness of that feeling there often surfaces a sense of not being worthy or valued as a human being, as if you caused this and are to blame for the lack of human connection. I am deeply grateful for the safe and confidential container of the counseling office to allow these feelings and perceptions to be heard, valued, and processed. Simply being seen, heard and validated (valued) in the middle of your messy truth begins the slow process of healing.
I am also grateful for my faith in a living, loving presence all around me that cares for me (us) and knows me (us) and is somehow closer to me than my own breath. This vulnerable faith journey helps to sustain me and give me hope (grounding) in the moments I am tempted to believe that I am all alone, and must take care of myself by myself. Part of this faith journey is embedded in the rich truth behind the word, Immanuel, God with us in and through the human companionship of Jesus. Many of my clients have a theoretical or doctrinal (head) belief regarding Jesus, but are missing an actual experience of intimacy with Jesus in the mix and hurt of their real life story. It is an amazing, sacred privilege to go looking for Jesus (his Immanuel presence) with clients right in the very places they have felt abandoned the most. Often we rehearse or relive old wounds and painful memories with their old ugly messages on our own, forgetting to look for the closeness and intimate friendship with Jesus in that moment. He is longing to hold us and connect with us in that memory, whispering words of compassion and truth.
In my own life story, I carry the scars of being bullied during my high school years due to the fact of being a late bloomer physically. To survive and cope I learned to make light of things and to excel in humor to lessen the blows and to ward off potential bullies. I believed the lies that I was not a man and could only make my way (be valued) by being funny. What a healing surprise to be invited years later to go back to those scenes of being bullied and taunted with my memory and imagination, but this time to be open and curious about the Immanuel presence of Jesus with me in those moments. To pay attention to his face, his presence, and the words he might have to say to me in that moment in that old painful memory. What deep joy to hear love, compassion, value and validation for me as a young man. So now, I can access the companioning friendship of Jesus within that old scary moment, connecting to his love and not the old toxic message. This also frees me up to go looking for other parts of my story that I have lived and survived alone with, and begin discovering Him and His healing love with me in those parts as well. May you also be surprised by this healing relational Immanuel truth when you feel the weight of being alone (orphaned) as you go looking for intimate closeness of Jesus with you past, present and future, in every detail of your life. To explore this further check out the following web site http://www.immanuelapproach.com/ and by all means feel free to talk to your therapist about this.
Brent Unrau, MA, RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA
Breathing Deeply
Matthew 11:28-30The Message (MSG)
28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”
I love the heart and compassion in these famous words said by Jesus to the crowd, including his disciples. It reveals that he knows and understands the stresses and strains that we carry, wounds and weights that we are not intended to carry in isolation in our heads. His solution as the best therapist there ever was, was to simply offer the relational invitation to come closer, talk to me, don’t go back into your head and try to solve and be responsible for all this by yourself.
Humble yourself by coming closer and admitting that private individual self assessing and problem solving won’t cure this fatigue. It reminds me of Albert Einstein’s quote “We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” I also love the assumed safety implied in the invitation to come near, come close. The same words he told to his disciples in Matthew 19:14 “Let the little children come to me “, words full of safety, care and affirmation, instead of judgment and fear. If we are going to let go of our worries and preoccupations that we are so attached to, if we are going to explore changing and growing, finding a relational place of safety is always the first step.
Just like recovering from any deep trauma, safety is the first needed step. Like the oxygen rich chamber you need when you have been down too deep and tried to come up to quick. Here Jesus is offering this safe space to breathe deeply, to share and to learn of more gentle and sustainable practice of life.
I came across this prayer last week which carries the feel of this safe coming close, and unburdening oneself and I gave myself permission to add a few of my own words to the prayer. I hope you enjoy it and find yourself using it as you take Jesus up on his invitation to come close.
I need to Breath Deeply
by Ted Loder
Eternal Friend,
grant me ( Brent’s words – a softening, a trust, a conviction of safety, a letting down my guard, a letting go of too much weight and responsibility, a gentle gracious forgiveness I can own and hold, a sense that it’s ok, that I’m ok )
an ease
to breathe deeply of this moment,
this light,
this miracle of now.
Beneath the din and fury
of great movements
and harsh news
and urgent crisis,
make me attentive still
to good news,
to small occasions,
and the grace of what is possible for me to be,
to do,
to give,
to receive,
that I may miss neither my neighbour’s gift
nor my enemy’s need.
Brent Unrau, MA, RCC
Contract Counsellor, CCCA
The Needed Art of Destressing
“The enormity of life’s tasks weigh and press on the day… they demand and insist on a constancy of attention that is relentless.”
Cheryl Sanders-Sardello.
At some levels modern life resembles a roller coaster stuck on acceleration. With the daily noise and constant stimulus of phone calls, emails, texts, updating and downloading info, posting, texting, and tweeting, not to mention relational and work place complexities, many of us find ourselves in a general state of stress. A scattered exhaustion and distracted breathlessness that lure us to finish off the day mindlessly numb in front of the latest flickering Netflix series. How often do we need to be reminded each day to simply breathe or calm down?
Finding ways to live, thrive and adapt to this sped up life requires one to enter proactively into the learning curve of caring for oneself and discovering the art of de-stressing (decompressing, defragging, grounding and centering). More and more, my counseling office functions as a safe refuge to breathe and be known, while the load of stress that is being carried day in and day out gets unpacked and named, sorted out and de-cluttered.
The advice of the ancient poet/musician feels like needed healing medicine: “Step out of traffic! Take a long loving look at me, your High God, above politics, above everything” (The Message, Psalm 46:10). What would it look like in our modern stressed out commuting routines to pull off into a rest area for a needed mental health moment, to recalibrate, breathe deeply and be still, letting go gently of trying to control and manage everything? This kind of stillness leads to an invitation to pay attention to beauty, birds, and clouds (which are ultimately glimpses of God).
In Curt Thompson’s book Anatomy of the Soul, the author states that focused attention exercises, such as contemplative prayer and mindfulness practices, form a key component to the neuroplastic triad** that enhance the flexible growth and healing activation of the mind/brain. So it looks very much like the old poet comes to us as a modern therapist with advice that we need to hear. It also fits in seamlessly with the sweet words of Jesus aimed again at our over-burdened souls:
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (The Message, Matthew 11: 28-30)
I love the suggestion that getting close to spirit and spiritual things, and exploring the possibility of relating to God, might bring one into a sustainable lifestyle of lightness and freedom. I also love how the counselling process can assist clients in learning how to de-stress and find these sustaining rhythms of living more lightly in our sped up world.
Brent Unrau
Contract Counsellor, CCCA
**By the way, if you are wondering what the other two parts of the neuroplastic triad are, they are aerobic activity (ideally 5 times a week for at least 45 minutes at a time) and novel learning experiences that expand your level of creativity on a meaningful level.